1

IS YOUR MICROWAVE SPYING ON YOU?

Or was Kellyanne just referring to how every time Trump lifts his hand, it's a 'micro-wave'?

2

AXLE CONTEMPORARY CO-FOUNDER JERRY WELLMAN OFF TO A SPEEDY RECOVERY AFTER HEART ATTACK

Get well, Jerry—this town needs you!

3

GOV. MARTINEZ WANTS PRISONS TO WORK WITH ICE

More inmates for longer amounts of time is just what we need right now.

4

OH, AND SHE ALSO HATES TEACHERS...

She vetoed that bill because we pay them so well that they should never get sick.

5

...BUT THEN THE SENATE VOTED TO OVERRIDE HER VETO

What a wonderful in-your-face for the modern era.

6

NM HAS HIGHEST UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IN THE COUNTRY

Unless you're someone's cousin or something.

7

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS BILL MAY SAVE US FROM EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATING RAVAGES OF WINTERTIME'S Eternal DARKNESS

Bad news for assholes with early tee-times, good news for people who don't like being sad.