1

STATE ACCIDENTALLY GAVE $40K TO THE WRONG FILM FESTIVAL LAST YEAR

A good argument for maybe coming up with a name that's different than the competition.

2

LAS VEGAS MAN ARRESTED FOR CANDY STORE HEIST

And that's why they call him the leader of the pack (vroom! vroom!).

3

SFPD TO RECEIVE ADDITIONAL MARIJUANA CITATION TRAINING

Because "lowest law enforcement priority" is too hard to understand.

4

FLORENCE HENDERSON DEAD AT 82

This year just keeps on taking and taking!

5

FIDEL CASTRO ALSO DEAD AT 90

We're more partial to Mrs. Brady since she wasn't, like, imprisoning gay people or anything.

6

THIS JUST IN: MANNEQUIN CHALLENGE ISN'T ACTUALLY ANYTHING

But way to stand perfectly still, everyone—you're really doing important work.

7

SNOW ACCUMULATES ON CITY STREETS FOR FIRST TIME THIS WINTER

Santa Feans can't decide whether to drive 18 or 81 mph.