1

ELEPHANT BUTTE DAM TURNS 100

Slogan idea—Elephant Butte: Home of That One Serial Killer.

2

THIEVES MAKE OFF WITH TRAILER CONTAINING $35K WORTH OF ZOZOBRA MERCH

We bet they were disappointed.

3

CERRILLOS ROAD CONSTRUCTION BEHIND SCHEDULE

For a road that's 600 years old, they sure do need to do a lot to it.

4

NEW "VOIDS" DISCOVERED IN GREAT PYRAMID

Fun fact: Construction of the pyramids began at roughly the same time as did Cerrillos Road construction.

5

ECUADOR LIMITS JULIAN ASSANGE'S INTERNET ACCESS

We don't even like when Netflix takes more than three seconds.

6

ROBBERY SUSPECT TAUNTS SF COPS ON FACEBOOK

Now behind bars, he's got even less hope of using the internet than Julian Assange.

7

TRUMP OUTPACES CLINTON IN HALLOWEEN costume SALES FIGURES

At least he'll win something.