1

BOB DYLAN WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE, has yet to accept

How does it feel?

2

POLICE ARREST YET ANOTHER WRONG-WAY DRIVER ON I-25

Maybe instead of "Wrong Way," the signs should say "Turn Around for Free Drinks."

3

LOS ALAMOS NATIONAL LAB TO SEND ALL NEW  RADIOACTIVE WASTE OUT OF STATE

If you've been looking to transform into a mutant/superhero, you'd better get to it.

4

RED RIVER BANK EMPLOYEE WAS IN ON HEIST WITH COUSIN

Great work, geniuses.

5

GARY JOHNSON AND DARREN WHITE ARE FRIENDS AGAIN YEARS AFTER MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION FALLOUT

Such is the power of weed, you guys … Man, we could go for some gummi bears.

6

SF MAYOR WANTS CITY TO HELP RESIDENTS REDUCE SUGAR INTAKE

He just remembered that Halloween is coming.

7

CONTROLLED BURN HAS US ALL WHEEZING

And it looks kinda spooky.