1

POLICE SAY PROPERTY CRIME IS AT RECORD LOW

We all hocked our stuff to pay rent this month. Nothing left to steal.

2

DRURY HOTEL OPENS IN OLD DOWNTOWN HOSPITAL

"I was born there," is now replaced by, "That's where my parents spent their honeymoon."

3

SCHOOL KIDS RETURN TO CLASS

This morning commute slowdown brought to you by the fine folks at SFPS.

4

RIO ARRIBA COUNTY SHERIFF JAILED

"Free Tommy Rodella" bumper stickers are not selling well.

5

HANNA SKANDERA ADMITS PED SCREWED UP TEACHER EVALS

Local superintendent Joel Boyd threw his back out doing a happy dance.

6

TOMMY LEE JONES IS COMING TO SF INDEPENDENT FILM FESTIVAL

Please, please, let this not be an announcement for Men In Black IV.

7

NM SHOWS SLIGHT JOB GROWTH

That fixes this food stamp problem, right governor?