I asked my Facebook followers to help me come up with cocktails based on current events. Those demented comedians refused to come up with real drinks (except the Pussy Hat Potion), but their tortured wailings are pretty amusing nonetheless.
The Bitter and Jaded
This drink uses Chartreuse, the only naturally green liqueur in the world. It is wildly expensive, so here we swirl it in the glass and discard it, just like our democracy! The sweet, mysteriously herbal flavor of the Chartreuse lingers through the lemon and bubbles. The gin will kill a pleasant number of brain cells.
- 1/2 ounce green Chartreuse
- 1 1/2 ounces gin
- 4 ounces sparkling wine
- 3/4 ounce fresh lemon juice
- 3/4 ounce simple syrup
- Garnish with lime twist
Pour the Chartreuse into a champagne flute, swirl it all around and then pour it out (or into the next flute and repeat). Pour the gin, lemon juice and simple syrup into the flute and top off with as much bubbly as you can fit in there.
Tears of a Clown
- 1 empty vessel (any glass will do)
- 1 hair dryer
- 1 lukewarm America Beer (see: Budweiser)
- 1 small bag Cheetos
Fill your empty vessel with hot air from the hair dryer. Add lukewarm America Beer. Top with Cheetos. Choke it down.
Pussy Hat Potion
- 1 part mixed berry fruit juice
- 1 part pomegranate vodka
- Pink sugar
- Lemon twist
Moisten the rim of a martini glass with a slice of lemon, dip the rim in pink sugar. Shake fruit juice and vodka together with ice and strain into the glass. Garnish with a tiny protest sign.
The Steve Bannon
- 1 part Russian vodka
- 1 part liberal tears
- 1 part Coors Light
Shake all ingredients well and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a toothpick cross that's on fire.
Quick & Dirty Recipes
Alternative Cocktail: Just a glass of water.
The Egg Noguration: All white and half full.
Hot Toddy: Same as the original but you deny its temperature.
The Drumpf: Equal parts circus peanuts and drain cleaner. Serve with force.
The Hillary: A very fancy crystal highball glass with nothing in it.
The Bernie Sanders: 1 part each Crown Maple syrup, Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, absinthe and Goldschläger. It's diverse and everyone gets an equal share.
The Inauguration: It's a Moscow Mule.
The Mexican Mule: It's behind a wall.
The British Mule: It's a Moscow Mule you can't get if you live in greater Europe.
The Syrian Mule: Not available on any flight for 90 days (maybe longer).
The Four-Year Hangover: One large bottle Russian vodka, chilled. Don't bother with the glass. Take long drinks until you get a brain freeze. Repeat for four years.
The Bloody Scary: Combine 4 ounces each of gin, rum and vodka. Add a dash of menstrual blood, if available—or, if you've already sent it all to Mike Pence, substitute beet supplement. Serve in a clear glass with salty rim and garnish with 1 foam finger emblazoned with "USA #1." Toast to Planned Parenthood while reading the Congressional Record and muttering to yourself.
The Scotch Alt-Rocks: Any cheap blended Scotch chilled by snowflakes.
The ACLU Brew: Served simultaneously in airports around the country. Divide $24 million worth of top-shelf Russian vodka into glasses and garnish with an undetermined number of green olives, aged (detained) for 90 days. Stir with the force of just under 3 million voters and serve with a bitter orange slice.
The Mar-a-Gago: Tastes like warm salt water, but the best salt water, I mean the greatest salt water, you've never had salt water so good. And the more you ignore climate change, the fuller and fuller the glass gets. So much Mar-a-Gago! You can't drink it all!!
The How the F*#! DiD I End Up Here? Mix equal parts Jack Daniels, Everclear, absinthe, vodka, whiskey and gin. Wake up someplace strange and scary with absolutely no idea how it happened.
The Fascist Sling: Muddle and strain with bitters a free amount of press. Disallow any and all foreign spirits. Add copious amounts of 1 percent Crony Christian Brothers Cornpone. Be careful not to spoil the drink with any organic matter or dangerous Mexican fruit, and garnish with as many American flags you can fit in the red, white and blue striped glass, which was made in China.
The KellyAnne: Take one part vodka, one part dry vermouth and add one alternative fact. Shake and stir with ice. Serve cold with a twist of orange.
The Richard Spencer: One can of good old AMERICAN-made clear beer. Smash yourself in the face with the can really hard, fix hair, shed a tear.