I don’t normally write about national politics in my column, but my editor says I owe you full disclosure, so here it is. I’ve recently become chairman of Santa Feans for Donald Trump, and, friends, I’m asking for your support.
You may wonder what attracted me to this particular candidate. It's really pretty simple. I believe the time has come for an obnoxious US president.
We've never had an openly obnoxious leader. If you watch grainy old black-and-white footage of Teddy Roosevelt, his obnoxiousness is visible. But at least he made an effort to hide it.
We've had plenty of obnoxious candidates. Remember Patrick Buchanan? Ross Perot? George Wallace? They never won, because, you know, Americans have only recently opened their hearts to the unbelievably obnoxious.
Now, for the first time, victory is within reach! My fellow Santa Feans, a Trump victory in 2016 will send a clear message throughout the land, that any annoying, insufferable, pestiferous child can grow up to be president!
Here's my thinking on this: Who gets exactly what they want in this world? Obnoxious people! If our president is truly odious, world leaders will cave in just to get him to go away.
"Nuclear deal? Yes, yes, whatever, President Trump. I'll sign! Just please shut the hell up and don't slam the door when you leave!"
I know you're reading this and saying, "But Bob, isn't that New Jersey governor, Chris Christie, also obnoxious? What about him?"
Sure, Christie is totally unpleasant, but up against Trump, it's no contest. Donald Trump is as obnoxious as the racist Atticus Finch in the "new" Harper Lee book, and just about as unwelcome.
Santa Feans for Trump needs citizens to head up some vital local interest groups. Let's see, we still have opportunities to organize:
Intelligent Women for Trump
Santa Fe Institute Staffers for Trump
Recent Mexican Immigrants for Trump
Santa Fe Hair Stylists for Trump
The Criminally Insane for Trump
If any of those sound right for your personal skill sets, come by our headquarters. Well, if it's that last one, maybe just email me.
Let me back up for a moment. How did we get to this point in our collective history?
So-called reality television programming had a lot to do with it. Truly repugnant people, who were once shunned by society, are suddenly able to gather a large following.
In a normal culture, the entire casts of Duck Dynasty, Jersey Shore and all those Kardashian shows would be lined up against a wall and shot. Today, they are free to play miniature golf and purchase fine toiletries.
Wanna see how far down we've come? Thirty years ago, Pee-wee Herman and Richard Simmons qualified as obnoxious. Now, those guys seem like Cary Grant and Fred Astaire.
I hope by now you're probably asking how you can help Trump.
We need you to put campaign signs in your yards, bumper stickers on your cars and campaign buttons on your lapels. We have a number of inspiring slogans to choose from:
Trump: Wouldn't you just love to smack him?
Trump: If his lips are moving, stupid is coming out!
Trump: Did he just say what I thought he said?
Trump: If he hasn't offended you yet, please be patient!
And of course, there's our nationwide White Male Citizens for Trump campaign slogan:
Trump: He's like fingernails on a chalkboard!
People, please help make this dream come true.
I have to sign off now. My candidate is going after Buddhists and lepers today, and I don't want to miss it!
Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: email@example.com